


Finding Way back home

by Ishita2212



Category: Captain America (Movies), Political Animals, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic Avengers, Eventual Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Past Drug Use, Past Torture, Rebirth, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:15:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22033915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishita2212/pseuds/Ishita2212
Summary: Basically a reincarnation story. What would happen if Bucky was reborn as TJ Hammond..
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Thomas "T. J." Hammond/Steve Rogers
Comments: 28
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!  
> English is not my first language so please please forgive me if there are any grammatical errors. Hope you enjoy this fic.

It was cold, so very cold, the wind whistling in his ears, his own screams lost in the wind as he continued falling for what seemed like an eternity and a terrible pain as he hit the ground spreading like fire through his veins....as he sat up and blinked gasping for air and sweating. Looking around at his surroundings TJ took a shuddering breadth putting his face in his hands and running them through his hair.

This had been happening quite frequently. It was the same dream every time. He kept falling the terrible fear but also resignation and satisfaction. Then waking up on the impact.

TJ didn't understand this. Sometimes there were flashes of other stuff but he didn't remember any of it when he woke up just felt a strange emptiness and a sense of not belonging like he wasn't where he should be, like he hadn't found home.

The only thing clearer than anything else though was blonde hair and blue eyes. At first he'd thought it was because of Sean Reeves. Just thinking the name made him tremble.. the man he'd loved, for whom he'd given his everything, around whom he'd planned their entire future. The same man who'd broken him so thoroughly that he was still trying to piece himself together.

But as these dreams went on he realised that just wasn't it. The blonde hair in his dreams were like sunshine, so bright and soft and those eyes, bluer than the sky on a bright day shining with so much hope and goodness they could never belong to a person like Sean Reeves.

Sometimes TJ thought that he was going mad, that Sean had broken him to the extent that he was going crazy having all these dreams.

'Pathetic American punchline' was what Sean had called him and he was right wasn't he. TJ gave a humourless laugh, on top of all the drama that his life had been now he was going crazy , Great !

TJ looked at the time displayed on the clock kept on his bedside table , it was 4:35 am . He sighed , might as well get up. It's not like he was going to be able to go back to sleep any time soon now. 

He went through his morning rituals, put on some sweat pants and a hoodie , pulling the hood up , he got out of his apartment , security tailing him like always. He'd learned early on to ignore their presence. They kept their distance which was good enough, not interrupting him unless he did something that was out of the norms set by his parents. It was for his own good, or so he was told. 

He walked down the quiet streets until he reached the jogging track and then started running. It had become his ritual now. Whenever the dreams or nightmares ,he didn't know what to call them, woke him he couldn't sleep so he got up and ran. It helped clear his mind concentrating on putting even steps, regulating his breathing, the fresh morning air filling his lungs, the gentle breeze helped him relax. He felt free for a little while. In this time he tried not to think about the huge mess that was his life.

As the sky began to light , more people started trickling in. He kept his hood up and head down not wanting anybody to recognize him and print another scandalous story of whatever they could think up.

After a while he sat by the small lake in the park leaning his back against the tree beside the lake and watched the sunrise. The image of blonde hair and blue eyes popping up at the back of his mind, the feeling accompanying it were strange and not the ones he could identify so he pushed it down and focused on the sunrise, the way sky lit up with colours and the merry chirping of the birds. He let himself relax for a while.

As the park started to gather the morning crowd TJ sighed and got up gathering all his courage to face the new day, wondering what this day would bring, what new hardships would he face and what would be the last straw to shatter him completely when he'd been barely holding the pieces of himself together.


	2. Chapter 2

TJ woke up with a gasp, confused for a second he looked around and then sighed finding himself in his own room. This was getting ridiculous. It had gotten to a point now that instead of just random flashes he had started seeing a series of events. They were like stories, little snippets from someone's life, except that it always revolved around two people one with blonde hair and the other one him or the one through whom TJ was seeing all this. He didn't remember everything on waking up and trying to do so always gave him a massive headache. He'd just come to accept it as another part of his life that he didn't understand so, he got up and got ready for his morning run. 

As TJ started jogging towards the track, smiling as the cool wind blew past him, TJ realised somewhere along the way this hadn't remained a task he did to stop the chaos inside his head but he'd come to enjoy it. In the five months he'd followed through, he found out his stamina had increased and he'd also gained some significant muscles since he started exercising after his runs, his appetite had increased and it also helped keep him focused, keep his addictions at bay. 

TJ visited the Rehab center weekly talking to his psychiatrist, Christine. He felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with the doctor ( apart from his dreams and those were just for him ) . It also helped that Christine was just so genuine and didn't resent or pity him for his life choices uptil now. Of course it could be that she's just that professional but it felt freeing to just get some stuff off his mind. TJ also picked up a few hobbies along the way like cooking ( which he discovered he was quite good at ), exercising and reading. 

TJ also volunteered at the local orphanage on the recommendation of his rehab psychiatrist and though he'd never gotten to discover this talking and interacting with children just came naturally to him. Seeing them made his problems a lot smaller and he could just forget about his messed up life so far taking care of them. He'd come to care about the children quite genuinely and enjoyed his time with them. It also helped that he could just rediscover himself without having the TJ Hammond 'gay son of a former president ' title hanging over his head. He could just be TJ here. 

It didn't hurt that TJ made few friends along the way. Jamie also volunteered at the orphanage. She was a few years younger than him with Black hair and lavender- blue eyes. He had been vary at first of interacting with anyone for the fear of it ending up in the tabloids with another scandal printed but she'd wore down all his defences with her sweet and kind personality. Before long they'd gone on friendly outings outside orphanage and become quite close friends. TJ was very grateful for her, he couldn't even count the number of times she'd managed to save him from himself. 

Then there was Sam. They met at the jogging track. They both noticed each other as regular members of the track. A month in , as they both sat under the tree catching their breath and got talking. TJ felt comfortable with Sam as he didn't have any ulterior motive to their friendship. The only reaction he'd given when he recognized TJ was a slight widening of his eyes but he Sam just nodded at him and jogged past. Sam was a fun guy . He was honest and very loyal to his friends and ones he considers family. TJ discovered that he was also a veteran, Pararesque operation.

Sam also volunteered at the VA . So when TJ offered his help if needed, Sam had invited him along for the next VA session. After being bullied by both Sam and Jamie, ( who had both became fast friends after they met through him ) he also agreed to play the piano for the VA people and the orphanage children. When he was met with a genuine applause from them was when he'd started believing in himself again, after a very long time. 

TJ now also taught the interested children and VA members to play the piano. It was a good feeling to be useful to someone , to be somewhat normal, Life was bearable again. There were good things in his life now things to look forward to. He wouldn't say that he was happy , but he was satisfied which was good enough. He was learning to hope again. 

Of course there were times when he felt like he was drowning and the urge to get high was just irresistible but he managed to break through. It was good to believe in himself again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wanted TJ to have a recovery on his own and not just make him a damsel in distress in need of saving. Also now Sam's here and soon Steve will be too...


	3. Chapter 3

TJ knew it was inevitable. He'd put it off for as long as he could but it was time to face his family again. It had been six months since he's seen any of them. He was grateful that they had mostly left him alone on his request except for the daily updates his security were surely providing his mom. It was fair in a way. He hadn't given any reason for them to trust him after ending up in a hospital near death after attempting a suicide. 

TJ shook himself of those horrible memories before they got a hold of him again and gave him a panic attack ( which had happened in the past ). He's come so far since then, had worked hard to find a place in life again. The pain which had been crushing once faded away as he thought about his friends, the children at the orphanage, his friends from VA . He wasn't just existing anymore ,he wasn't just a pathetic American punchline anymore, he had made a place for himself and was doing something that made him happy and also helped those around him. Then the sunshine blonde hair and blue eyes popped up in his thoughts and the last of the sadness disappeared a feeling of happiness and a sense of belonging spreading through him, a smile curved on his lips. He didn't know who they belonged to or why they awoke the feelings that he didn't fully understand but the dreams kept comming in flashes nothing was clear enough. But he'd come to accept that. 

The thing was that his mom had invited rather demanded that he be present for the comming weekend dinner with the family, as he had avoided his family for as long as he can and seeing as they had given him the space he had so desperately required at that time ,he couldn't excuse himself from this dinner. It had been six months since he had last seen his family and he did miss them however overwhelming they could be sometimes. So TJ braced himself and decided to go see them. 

TJ debated with himself on what to wear for dinner. It wasn't a formal event only his family so he settled on some black jeans and a grey long sleeved shirt. In the past months he had let his hair grow out. It wasn't exactly on purpose but he'd always prided himself on his appearance and always fussed about keeping his hair perfectly styled and his appearance flawless. But after everything had gone south he hadn't given more than a passing thought about it. And he hadn't even noticed that his hair had gotten long enough to reach below his ears until Jamie had offered an offhand complement that the long hair and unshaven look suited him. It was then he realised that yeah he usually didn't let his hair grow that long. It was just that with everything keeping him busy then that worrying about his appearance had just taken a backseat in his life. Plus the long hair and beard provided good cover when he was out in public. People didn't recognize him as easily. So he decided to leave the as it is. 

TJ left his hair down. He checked himself in the mirror one last time. It still amazed him how much he had managed to change himself . The muscles he had gained mad his body look good. His face had lost that paleness that came due to drugs and sleeplessness. His skin glowed and looked fresh and healthy and the long hair suited him just fine. There are days he almost doesn't recognize himself.   
TJ grabbed his bag and headed out. There was a limo waiting downstairs and he rolled his eyes. He got in and took out his phone smiling at the good luck messages from Sam and Jamie. They'd both been concerned about this dinner but also confident that he'd get through this. They both knew that this was a big step for him as it was the first time after the incident that he'd be returning to his life before so to speak. Their confidence and trust in him felt reassuring.   
TJ arrived at Dough and Anne's house where the family had gathered. He got out and took a fortifying deep breath. TJ entered the gates after he'd confirmed his identity with the security. He arrived at the door and knocked. It was Anne Dough's wife that opened the door, her smile turning into confusion for a brief second before her eyes widened in shock on recognizing him. " TJ..." she exclaimed, reaching forward to touch his arm and looking at him more closely. " Wow it's really you" . TJ uncomfortable at being scrutinized offered her a hesitant smile "Anne.. hey , how are you ?" he asked. Anne smiled waving a hand dismissively" I'm fine" and again leaned close inspecting him but TJ you look so different, I almost didn't recognize you. Wow , come in, everyone's already seated in the dining room. They'll be so shocked to see you. Its been a while since we've all gathered here together..." She spoke as she lead him to the dining room. But before entering she turned and unexpectedly hugged him. TJ was taken by surprise but quickly hugged her back " You look good TJ , I'm so glad. Dough and I've been worried about you. He'll be so happy to see you're doing well " she said looking genuinely glad to see him. Some of TJ's worries about dinner faded.   
TJ smiled at her" Thanks Anne ". It was then that they entered the dining room where everyone was seated. They all looked pausing in whatever they had been doing. The whole family was present Mom , dad, Nana, Dough. All their eyes widened on seeing TJ everyone's attention suddenly on him and he had two completely different urges to either preen at the attention or blush and hide. So obviously he did none and just stood there awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair ( a nervous habit he'd developed out of nowhere ) . " Hey everyone, long time no see huh " he said as cheerily as he could manage and that was when the hell broke loose causing TJ to flinch and then sigh. It was going to be a long dinner.

  



	4. Chapter 4

Elaine was the first to recover and come forward disbelief written all over her face "TJ, what..." she started but trailed off midsentence not finding the right words. She took a few steps closer and stood right in front of TJ and raised her hand to his cheek, stroking his hair as if trying to confirm if it really was him. " mom.." TJ started feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny but was cutoff when all of a sudden Elaine hugged him fiercely. TJ tensed for a second and then hugged back relaxing in her arms, despite the ups and downs in their relationship he had missed her. When she pulled back she had tears shining in her eyes " Its so good to see you again TJ. You just disappeared on us, didn't even let us visit or call you often." TJ smiled apologetically "Sorry mom but I needed that time alone to figure my shit out. Being around all that politics and the attention wasn't good for me.

Elaine smiled "I see the time away has served you good, you look good TJ healthy, satisfied I'm glad" . TJ smiled. " I like the hair by the way it suits you" Elaine added and TJ's smile widened, he looked at where Dough was standing a little behind Elaine waiting for his turn to greet TJ and thought maybe this dinner would'nt be so bad afterall. 

Elaine looked at TJ across the table, he was absorbed in a conversation with his Nana, there was something different about him, she couldn't put a finger on it though but maybe it was the way he held himself it was with more confidence than he did before, his posture was a bit different too, there was a new light in his eyes that hadn't been there before and ofcourse his physique and hair made a lot of difference. Elaine was happy that TJ was doing well now after the fiasco with Sean Reeves. 

The next day all Hammond family were found seated in the living room, catching up and watching TV. TJ had stayed the night because they'd insisted and his mother had pulled the guilt card on him reminding him that he had been away from them for do may weeks already. She had also taken a day off to spend time with the family, suprisingly his father had also stayed. They were all lounging around when Elaine's phone started ringing suddenly, she frowned at it but did not move to pick it up, but when it rang a second time she made an apologetic face and picked it up, " This better be good" she spoke into the phone " I told you not to call me unless the world was ending or something..." she abruptly trailed off as she listened to what was being said, her face turning white every passing second, finally she hung up her experssion serious. She turned to adress them all " I'm so sorry. Its an emergency I know I promised i would stay but I have to go" not offering any further explanation she began heading out. Concerned TJ and Dough got up to follow but she stopped them "No stay here, don't go out unless I give you a clear" an dwithout any further delay she was gone. 

TJ turned to Dough " Whats going on ?" he asked . " I don't know" was Dough's reply looking as confused as any of them. " Turn on the news maybe there's someting there" Anne suggested. TJ immediately grabbed the remote knowing that whatever it is that was happening was something big for Elaine to look that worried. He changed to a news channel an dstopped dead at what he saw on the screen. 

There was a giant hole in the sky and strange things were comming out of it. They looked vaugely like those robots in the sci-fi movies. There were also large whale like things. The texts on screen told him that the footage was from NY. The camera was shaky there was too much chaos going on. People screaming and running, trying to get to safety from those things and the collapsing buildings. Destruction everywhere. Just then a large green figure was seen and just as fast it disappeared from the screen. too much was going on and the reporter was saying something about aliens and avengers and starktower but TJ wasn't paying attention to any of it, all his attention was focused on the figure in red white and blue and a very familiar shield fighting the things. TJ stared unable to process anything at first but then his brain exploded with pain. too many flashes, too many memories trying to come back all at once flashing rapidly behind his eyes. TJ's knees buckled and he hit the ground not even registering the pain in his knees as they hit the hard ground because his head felt like it was going to explode. He clutched his head in both hands and screamed. He vaguely registered Dougie, Nana, Anne and Bud all gathering around him trying to talk to him, questioning him, but he couldn't comprehend what they were saying. It all became too much for his body and he just slumped forward mind going unconcious.


	5. Chapter 5

"I don't know mom...I don't know what happened, one minute we're watching a giant hole in the sky and aliens and superheroes and stuff on TV and another moment he just clutched his head and started screaming and then fell unconcious..." TJ heard Douglas explain in a tone that clearly indicated that he'd already said the same thing many times over now as he slowly came to. Keeping his eyes closed he experimentally moved his head a little, there was still some pain at the back of his skull but it was bearable. He slowly opened his eyes but immediately groaned and closed them again as light hit his pupils causing his head to throb with pain again. The sound must have alerted his company to the fact that he was awake as he heard some shuffling and felt someone lean over him. "TJ.." he heard Elaine call. TJ once again tried to open his eyes blinking to allow them to adjust, grateful as Elaine moved so she blocked the direct light. "TJ sweetheart how are you?" she asked running a hand through his hair. TJ slowly focused on her face. " I'm fine" he managed to say through a dry throat.

Elaine held a glass of water with a straw towards him and he drank gratefully. Feeling much better when the cool water soothed his parched throat. "How long?" he asked after he'd finished drinking. Doug who had come forward as well and now stood at TJ's bedside asked " What?" confused as to what TJ was asking. TJ looked mildly irritated but clarified " How long was I out for?" Douglas frowned "Does it matter, What matters is what happened back there. Do you know how terrified we were, you just started screaming and collapsed TJ. We took you to the hospital immediately but the doctors couldn't find anything anyting wrong with you, every report came back normal. Was it a sideeffect of some drug you took? but the doctors couldn't find anything in your blood . I knew it was too good to be true , all those muscles, what have you been taking, what else.." Douglas was babbling and TJ knew he was only saying this cause he was worried but TJ didn't have the patience right now to get his family to believe that he hadn't taken any drug, not when he had more pressing matters on his mind. Doug would've continued to speak but TJ cut him off. "Answer the question" his tone calm but commanding and it left no room for arguments.

Douglas fell silent. He'd never heard his brother sound this way before and the responce was out of his mouth before he could even think "32 hours" he answered automatically. Doug and Elaine watched as TJ's eyes widened slightly and he cursed under his breadth. Douglas didn't know where his brother learned that many profanities from. This behaviour was not characteristic for his brother. "TJ " Elaine repriminded automatically. TJ looked at her then, straight in her eyes and Elaine felt trapped looking in those familiar yet somehow different eyes. They were clearer and more focused than she'd ever seen in her son before. It was like all the clouds obscuring their depth had suddenly disappeared leaving behind a clearity that was blinding. "The battle.. What happened?" he asked this time directing his question at her in the same commanding tone as before, and it didn't take a genius to figure out which battle he was talking about. Seeing as how it had gone with Douglas Elaine decided to answer the question first, her doubts could wait " Aliens.. God there were aliens comming out of the sky and the avengers fought them..um the avengers are apparently a newly established group of superheroes.. there are Iron man, hulk, blackwidow, hawkeye, someone who is apparenty some sort of god and also Captain America " she paused looking like she still couldn't quite believe what had happened but continued when TJ made an impatient noise " They somehow defeated the aliens and Newyork is safe for now, ofcourse there's damage and some casualities but its being taken care of. The rebuilding and renovation process is already on the way." she finished, ofcourse it was a lot more complicated than that but she believed that this was sufficient for now.

TJ made a frustrated noise, Elaine frowned at him bewildered as to what he was after. " Captain America " he prompted " he is alive?". " Oh yes, thats a whole other story. It turns out that Captain Rogers somehow survived the crash." Elaine continued. "How's that possible, and how come none of us knew about this?" Douglas interrupted. " Shield found his body in the Arctic nearly two weeks ago. Turns out the serum kept him alive for nearly seventy years, safetly preserved in ice. SHIELD were keeping his survival under wraps till now, but they had to release a statement after he was seen in the battle." 

"Aliens man.." Doug added "Its a miracle they're all alive and well. But 'Captain America' We all grew up hearing about America's golden boy and he's alive. Wow it'd be so cool to meet him huh TJ.." Doug exclaimed excited by the thought of it alone, afterall Douglas was a big fan of Captain America growing up and had always considered him a role model. Elaine and Doug both exchanged a glance silently communicating their worry when TJ didn't reply simply continued staring into nothing with his head bent. "TJ.." Elaine prompted. TJ sighed and looked up then, his expression unreadable like it was never before. "I'm feeling a little tired and sleepy right now. I'd like to rest a little. I'll see you two later" he said in clear dismissal. Elaine and Doug both became wide eyed sharing another confused glance, before Elaine nodded. "Alright TJ rest now and call if you need anything." she said and patted his hand before turning and walking out. Doug too said his goodbyes and they both exited. 

As soon as the door closed behind them, Elaine turned to Douglas her expression screamed ' What the Hell', but ofcourse she didn't say that aloud. " What was that.. first of all we don't know why he collapsed and as soon as he wakes up he asks about Battle and Captain America? He wasn't acting like himself. Ofcourse I felt that since we saw him at dinner that night but the changes weren't that obvious but now...." she trailed off. " Yeah mom that right now was something else, I mean when he came in all changed and all it was shock enough, he looked good balanced and calm like I'd never seen before. I thought things were finally looking up for him but then this happens and we don't even know what it is, his scans show nothing wrong his test reports confirm that he hasn't taken any drugs or alcohol.. I mean What the Hell.." Doug said and it was a testament to how worried he was that he was swearing. Elaine sighed " I know. But we'll just have to wait and see now, until TJ himself tells us whats wrong. Be patient Doug and don't push him I. TJ will tell us when he's ready. " she said trying to reassure both Douglas and herself. _TJ I hope you haven't found yourself another trouble yet again_ she thought.

On the other side as Elaine and Doug left closing th door behind them, TJ put his head in his hands and started laughing a little hysterically muffling the sound with his hands ' _God Stevie who knew, that we'd both end up here.. huh '_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys very sorry for the long wait. I've been a bit busy lately, just finished with my college assignments. so here we are with two new chapters, hope you like them.

TJ was released the next day. He'd wanted to go straight to his flat but Elaine had insisted that he stay with the family, till her birthday which was coming up in a week and TJ had relented, mostly because he knew his family was worried about him. If he insisted on going now they would become even more suspicious of him then they already were since his little fainting incident. It would've been hilarious the careful and suspicious way they were treating him, trying to extract information and subtly manipulating him into revealing the nonexistent drug that they thought he had supposedly taken, if the lack of trust his family had in him wasn't so appalling. They would send at least four agents to babysit him and keep an eye on him inside his own flat and he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold his temper if it came to that. 

It was also fine in a way because he needed time to relax and sort things for himself and figure out who he was, the very obvious downside was his overly nosy family who were micro analyzing his every move but hey, look at silver linings and all that at least there weren't any bodyguards following him around his own house. 

He knew he wasn't just TJ anymore. He had all of James Buchanan Barnes's memories and he knew he was Bucky. It was funny in a way 'cause people had always told him growing up that he looked a lot like Captain America's best friend and right-hand man. He'd even joked some time that maybe he was some sort of reincarnation and then laughed at himself 'cause that's all it was that time, a joke. 

It was weird because one moment he was just TJ, but as soon as he woke up he knew he wasn't just TJ anymore , nor he was only Bucky but some combination of both. He had all of TJ's memories and all of Bucky's. If anyone asked he couldn't describe it. It wasn't like the reincarnation stories sometimes depicted in books or in movies, there wasn't any fight going on inside his head about who he was because he wasn't two different people at all. Bucky was TJ and TJ is Bucky. Sure his mannerisms and behavior might have been a little different in both lives but he knew he won't ever be fully Bucky or TJ anymore.

For now the only thing on his mind was Steve. His Stevie who was out there somewhere, struggling to adopt to the new world he woke up in, finding everyone he knew dead and probably also blaming himself for not saving him in that damn train 'cause he was a punk like that. If it was up to him he would have Steve in his arms till now kissing the hell out of him but that wasn't possible for many reasons. 

For one his reputation as TJ Hammond wasn't exactly stellar and he feared was he even worth his Stevie anymore, and no he shouldn't think like that and immediately cutoff that line of thought. But the point remained that as much as he had changed over the course of the last few months people didn't know that and he was sure the media was still printing garbage about him even though he had been practically non-existent to that world for months. 

The main point was that Steve probably knew about him already as TJ Hammond as SHIELD apparently the modern SSR with whom Steve was currently working ( and yes as soon as he was alone TJ had searched all he could about Steve that he could get his hands on ) would have surely bought Steve up to date on the modern technology, important people and all, and while TJ wasn't anyone important but whenever the former president or current state secretary came up his name always came up, if only as an pathetic American punchline, he was the bad seed afterall . Would Steve even believe him it would certainly seem strange. What was he gonna say to Steve , just walk up to him and go ' Yeah, Hey Stevie my name is TJ Hammond, former President Bud Hammond and current State Secretary Elaine Barrish's gay son and also a former drug addict . But hey, that's not all turns out I'm also James Barnes , so just ignore everything else and lets go back to how we were before yeah.'

Hell, it sounded crazy even as he thought about it, and no how can he introduce himself to someone else when he wasn't even fully aware of who he was anymore. As much as he wished things couldn't go back to the way they were before neither with the way his life as TJ was nor his life as Bucky. He and Steve could be together now without worrying about being arrested or executed for it but would Steve even want to be with the new him, he would be okay if that was the case and Steve couldn't accept him now but he wanted to be in Steve's life as a friend at least he still wanted to take care of him, be near him any way he could. If he just barged into Steve's life and told him the truth and sure Steve would even believe him after he tells Steve things only Bucky would know about and they would immediately jump into a relationship and then it would get difficult, what if Steve realized the differences in him, things that are different from Bucky cause those came from TJ and their relationship fell apart. He might be being a little overdramatic here and he knew Steve would accept him however he was but he couldn't risk this , he couldn't fuck this up not with Steve, it would destroy him completely because without Steve he wasn't complete.

TJ needed to come up with a plan to approach this and soon, he couldn't stay away from Steve now that he remembered him. 

" You're quite the thinker these days" the voice startles him bad enough that he almost falls off the stool he was sitting beside the island eating his breakfast. Cursing he rights himself turning to look at Margret Barrish. " Nana hey, Good morning " he greets her, he'd almost forgotten that she in the house, Doug and Elaine were both working and doing important stuff and Annie was also out. Nana also takes her own plate and sits down opposite to him, she' still bleary eyed and grumpy and the redness of her eyes tell him that she'd been drinking again yesterday night.

" Hmm, morning " she replied, and then stared at him through narrowed eyes, TJ stared back confused until he remembered her earlier statement and blinked, " It's nothing just the past few days have been a lot and it's been a while since I've been here, brings back memories" TJ explained giving her a wry smile. " Hmm.." she says not fully convinced.

Out of everyone TJ knew he had to be the most careful around her. She knew him the best and he had been the closest to her, TJ knew that she was upset with for not keeping in touch with her in the months he'd been away, but she had been understanding about it because she knew that it was what he had needed at that time. But now he knew she suspected that he was hiding something and would keep prodding him until he confessed. TJ wished he could because his Nana was the only person that he had always told everything to, she had always supported him whenever times got difficult and he needed someone, but this situation was completely different than the previous ones, it wasn't something believable and no matter how close nana was to him he couldn't risk it, the most likely conclusion that she would draw was that he'd finally lost it, especially after his fainting episode the other day.

They continue with their breakfast in companionable silence until nana sighs and looks straight at him " I know there's something you're not telling us TJ and I wouldn't push you to tell but we all know how well that has gone in the past, I need to know if this can potentially harm you in the future TJ, I want to know if we're going to have to once again pick up the pieces after it all goes down. I want to trust you know what you're doing but given the past experiences it's hard for us to do that. You're not having another affair that could potentially end in a disaster are you ?" she asked looking hard at him for any signs that might give him away.

TJ looked at her wide-eyed, had they always underestimated him this severely, he knows that he hadn't given them any reason to trust him in the past but they were his family aren't they, they were supposed to support him no matter what. A while back this lack of trust would have hurt him badly but he didn't feel much now, just exasperation at the constant questions and attention that was directed at him. However he decided to answer as honestly as he could 'cause he knew she only asked because she was worried about him.

" There is something yes, but I can't tell that to you now, but I promise it's not going to potentially hurt me in the future and I'm not taking any drugs nor am I having an affair with anyone"

Nana looked at him searchingly once more trying to determine if he was lying but nodded once she was satisfied that he was telling the truth, but then she abruptly looked up from her meal once more " It doesn't have something to do with that fucker Reeves does it, you're not fucking him again are you ?" she inquired.

TJ's face instinctively screwed up in disgust and his reply was almost an reflex " Ew, what! no !! " . Nana's eyed widened at his instant reply bewildered and Bucky realized his mistake, his reaction was a little too extreme for someone who admittedly had been in love with and having sex with Reeves not a year ago, but even the thought of the fox like face of Reeves disgusted him , he couldn't fathom what he had seen in the man before. The suffocating hurt and sadness that came over him whenever he had thought about Reeves in the past before he started gaining his memories back was absent now, only thing left was revulsion for the man. He composed himself back.

" I mean no, I'm definitely not having sex with him Nana, come on after all that's happened do you really think I would ever go back to him , honestly screw that bastard. I'm over it nana its all in the past, I've moved forward since then. I'm fine, I'm good actually and I promise you'll be the first one to know if that changes." he said giving her a reassuring smile. after a moment she returns that smile and they move onto other topics and nana doesn't bring it up again.


	7. Chapter 7

" TJ.. are you free right now?" Elaine Barriash looked as calm and collected as she always did and if it was anyone other than TJ or his family they wouldn't be able to tell the difference, the subtle way she avoided looking him in the eye and the hints in her posture and position that belayed how uncomfortable she was, but TJ knew immediately that the upcoming conversation wasn't something that he was going to like. Elaine was only this cautious with him if she was going to ask something of him that he was uncomfortable doing or giving.

Realizing that this wasn't something he could get out of TJ put aside his laptop giving her his full attention from where he had been stalking Steve online hungry for every little information he had been able to gather so far which was not much.

TJ invited her in from where she stood in the doorway of his temporary room. She sat facing him on the only available chair in the room. " How are you feeling TJ ?" she started . " I'm fine mom like I've told you hundreds of time since yesterday. Now why don't you tell me the real reason you're here instead of edging around it " TJ knew he was being rude but he wasn't in a mood for this, he'd played this game too many times before, making pleasant talk trying to gauge his mood and then dropping the bomb on him and he didn't even blame her she could never leave the politician in her behind completely even with family, but today wasn't the day for that. He would much rather hear directly what it was that she wanted him to do.

Elaine's eyes widened caught out, it wasn't that he had never knew what she was doing before, it was just that TJ had never called her out for it. Then she sighed " TJ you know I wouldn't ask you to do this if it wasn't necessary..." She started looking pained, and TJ sighed his face softening at her troubled look and he took her hand in his " I know mama just tell me directly would you, I promise whatever it is I would think about it " he reassured her.

" So you know the elections are coming up..." she started looking unsure how to proceed with whatever she was asking of him. TJ stared at her expectantly, just wanting to get this conversation over with so he could go back to his 'Steve stalking' which ok he admitted sounded weird even in his own head, but it was instrumental in helping him form a plan on how he was going to meet Steve, god his Stevie, his perfect, beautiful, gorgeous, generous, loyal, giving.....oh um he'd wandered off track there. It occurred to him quite late that while he was waxing poetic in his head Elaine had already started talking and guiltily turned his attention back to her ,".... so they suggested it, and I tried to avoid it I really did but I'm afraid it's inevitable and you know I wouldn't ask you this if it wasn't important .." she continued rambling and Bucky had no idea what she had just said , " Woah woah mom buck up a little but what is it that I have to do?" he asked directly.

Elaine sighed " You have to give a interview. It's been months and there hasn't been any news on you and people are asking questions and throwing baseless accusations and soiling your name, the opposing parties are working this as an advantage adding fuel to the fire and this has to stop and after several discussions it was decided that it was best if we set up an interview to set everything straight" 

Oh so that was what this was about, She had come to him after it was already decided , figures they discussed his life without even inviting him for it. That was how his life has always been,he did not even get to add a little input when they discussed his life. It might have bothered him a little while ago but he just didn’t care anymore, it didn’t matter he would do it cause he knew if he didn’t do this people would continue speculating and make even more outrageous assumptions. It would also reflect on Elaine and they could’nt afford it this close to elections and despite everything he genuinely wanted her to win, he knew she would make an excellent leader for the country and he didn’t want to be the one dragging her down.

“ and you don’t have to be worried Douglas will be with you,its going to be a joint interview , he will handle it if it gets difficult..” Elaine continued

“I’ll do it ” TJ interrupted her before she said anything more offending without even realising it. Elaine stopped abruptly looking at TJ in shock , clearly she expected more resistence like always,but he’d also learned from previous experiences that protesting did nothing and he always ended up doing what they want anyway so why go through all that again . “ Its alright mom I’ll do it, when is this anyway ?” he asked.

“ Uh.. Yeah that’s good, that’s nice..ok its day after tommorow a day before my birthday. Susan Berg is going to be the interviewer.” She said a bit out of her depth.

TJ just nodded, “OK” . “Alright then I’ll just.., there’s a meeting I’ll be back later tonight ” she said.TJ nodded again as she took her leave. Well this just complicated things further he’ll have to think about what he was going to say in the interview now. He sighed and got back to work.

TJ adjusted his tie again, sighing mentally he prepared himself for the interview which he learned later was going to be held live in front of hundreds of people. Well this wasn’t anything new either, parading him in front of people, to show the image of a picture perfect family and their gay son. Like they didn’t each have hundreds of issues.

Just as he was about to go down stairs there was a knock on the bedroom door and his father Bud Hammond himself stepped in. TJ turned to face him wondering what he wanted. They hadn’t had a chance to talk much since TJ had returned and frankly TJ had no desire to talk to him since that talking almost always lead to fights.

“Father” TJ greeted flatly. Bud stopped eyes a little wide at TJ’s less than enthusiastic greeting. He visibly composed himself “ TJ, you ready for the interview “ he asked.TJ shrugged “ As ready as I’ll ever be “

Bud didn’t look satisfied with the answer he came closer placing a forceful hand on TJ’s shoulder “ Look TJ I know this is not something you want to do, but this is really important for the success of this campaign, your mother is depending on you,so don’t fuck this up like you always do ” were his Father’s encouraging words. Bucky snorted internally. That man was an ass. He didn’t know why he even bothered getting upset over whatever this man said.

TJ shrugged off the hand on his shoulder and turned back to the mirror, “ Yeah dad thanks for your very kind words and encouragement, but if you don’t mind, I’m kinda getting late so I’ll be going now” He said checking his reflection one last time and giving Bud a winning smile TJ left the room leaving Bud standing there stunned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Sorry, I know I know still no Steve. But I promise he'll be here in the next chapter. I'll be posting the next chapter very soon and let me know what you think about the story so far..


	8. Chapter 8

“You ready to go TJ” Doug asked him as TJ came downstairs. “Yeah lets go” TJ said. They both got in the car. TJ took out his phone to check the texts and smiled on seeing the many texts there, most from Sam and Jamie both wishing him goodluck on his interview. He’d told them what he was asked to do when they’d phoned him a day before, the three of them on conference, they had been equal parts pissed and concerned ( the former at his family for still putting him through this despite everything and the later for him as they knew how hard these interviews had been for him in the past).

Jamie and Sam had even offered to come with him to the interview for support but he’d declined as he knew that would only put them on the spotlight to be seen with him and he didn’t want to cause them any problems, even though they insisted. TJ smiled at their concern as he typed out a reply for them, he knew he was truly very lucky to have found friends like them, they came in his life when he needed them the most and they had stuck with him through everything even when he was dealing with a shit ton of issues. He had never had any such friendships before, his ‘friends’ before if he could even call them that were either with him for the reflected fame or they were his drug dealers.

“ Who’re you texting ” Dough asked from beside him. TJ raised an eyebrow at him, who he texted was his own buisness no one elses. “Just some friends” he answered. Doug nodded looking at him supiciously and TJ resisted the urge to roll his eyes, he was seriously tired of the constant suspicious looks these people kept throwing him, it was unconciously putting the soldier in him on edge, and come on he had lived 5 months on his own and had been on his best behaviour since he came back, and they still didn’t have even a little faith in him.

“Do I need to hand over my mobile now for inspection, will that wipe that look off your face” TJ asked finally deciding to adress the issue. Douglas frowned looking confused. TJ did roll his eyes this time, “ 'the look', come on don’t tell me you aren’t even aware of doing it ”. Doug looked even more bewildered now “ What look?!” he asked. TJ sighed “ The way you look at me all suspicious when you think I’m hiding something and you try to get me to confess by staring at me.”

Douglas blinked mouth opening and closing apparently at a loss for words. TJ took pity on him “Don’t worry you’re not the only one doing it I’ve been on the recieving end of the look from the family more times than I can count in this week alone.”

Douglas atleast had the grace to look guilty at that. “ TJ.. ” he started and TJ wasn’t in the mood for another speech about how they were worried about him and he should understand where they were coming from, so he cut him off before he could continue “ Its ok you don’t need to explain, just that its irritating and could you please tone it down a bit” TJ asked. Doug nodded “Yeah , yeah , I didn’t realise… I’m sorry I’ll try not to do it anymore”. TJ smiled at him then, Doug had always been understanding, he was always the first to trust him and TJ knew Douglas really did believe in him, he was the only one who hadn’t yet given up hope on him. “That’s all I ask.”

As they drew near the place where the interview was going to be conducted TJ felt strangely calm, it was Douglas who had started getting restless, and TJ knew it was because of him and not Doug’s nervousness about his own interview, ‘cause interviews were more of Doug’s thing and he was nervous about what TJ would say and how that would impact Elaine’s campaign.

Fedup of his restless fidgeting TJ laid a hand on his brother’s shoulder, “Relax Dougie I’ll behave in the interview, I’m not going to do or say anything that’ll reflect negatively on mom.” He tried to reassure him. Douglas looked at him concerned “ yeah, yeah I know you will but the reporters are ruthless and I’m worried they’ll ask invasive questions about your past and…” he trailed off. TJ gave a humourless laugh, “When do they not, this isn’t new to me or any of us Doug, they’ve always asked invasive questions but its alright now, I’ve got nothing to hide anymore, and the past is the past, I’ve learned not to let it bother me anymore.”

Douglas smiled at him then, looking proud, “ I’m so proud of you TJ, the way you’ve turned your life around in these past few months, and you’ve done it alone right from nothing. I had a few doubts at first and then you fainted and I was concerned you were using something but these last couple of days assured me. You glow now you know TJ, you have this confidence and selfassurance in your own body the way you never did before. I know about the work you do for the orphanage and the VA its incredible. Just ..” he trailed off apparanetly at a loss of words. TJ looked at him fondly amused, a genuine smile curving his lips, “Thanks Dougie”

Douglas smiled back, just as they reached the place where the interview was going to be held. TJ took a deep breadth and put on a smile on his face for all the people and reporters puttering around and exited the car.

The reporters surrounded them as soon as they were out of the car. The gaurds held the paparazzi back and TJ and Douglas were quickly ushered inside.

TJ relaxed once they were inside and away from the flashes, noise and the questions. He’d forgotten how it felt, how overbearing and overwhelming it was. He had gotten so used to living free from all the limelight, to just be another person in the crowd, and his new look had given enough the anonymity to make that possible, but that would become very difficult after this interview.

TJ sighed and walked down the corridors as they were led towards the waiting room. He sat down and accepted the glass of water they offered him. Doug was still outside attending to a phone call when TJ heard a sudden increase in the noise outside. He frowned wondering what was going on. He was just about to get up and investigate it himself but stopped short as Douglas walked in. TJ blinked in coufusion as he took in the expression on his brother’s face.

TJ had never seen him look like that. His face was a strange mix between panic, concern, fear, excitement and happiness. It was weird Doug was almost bouncing on his heels from all the emotions he was trying to rein in. It was bizzare to watch because he was the comopsed one never showing much of his emotions to people outside the family.

TJ got up and placed his hands on Dougie’s shoulders, “ Hey, what’s going on? Has something happened ?” he asked worried. Doug shook his head, “Not yet, but its about to” he answered cryptically. TJ raised one eyebrow “and what is that?”

“There’s been a last minute change of plans in the interview” Doug says.

“…and” TJ prompted impatiently.

“ Apparently it seems that we’re not going to be the only ones giving the interview,someone else is going to be joining us” Doug continues. “That person’s interview was going to be taken next week but it seems like they have something else coming up then and so that interview had to be moved to today.” 

“What ! But how’s that possible and how the hell are they going to conduct an interview like this. That’s completely unprofessional and who’s this person, they must be someone important if these people are willing to reschedule the interview on a whim.” TJ said irritated. He had no interest in going through this interview in the first place and now someone else was also going to be there.

“Yes this person is pretty important and its not a whim really and ofcourse they were willing to reschedule the interview for a matter of national security.” Doug said now being cryptic on purpose.

“national security..”

“uh huh”

“and”

“and what?” TJ closed his eyes willing for patience or he just might punch Dougie’s smug face, the bastard knew exactly how annoying he was being. 

“Who’s this person and what national security?” TJ all but shouted.

Something in his face must have given away his urge to strangle Doug if he did not volunteer information in the next five seconds as he held his hands up in surrender, “ Ok,Ok Im telling”

“ well…” TJ tapped his foot impatiently.

“ Its Captain America” announced Doug excitedly.

Unable to process for a second, TJ simply furrowed his brows but as he realized what Douglas was trying to say his eyes widened,

“WHAT!!” now he was definitely shouting.

“ Yeah can you believe it, its going to be so great, he has a mission which he has to leave for tommorow and no fix return date so they had to reschedule his interview to today, what a coincidence huh, we’re going to get to meet him personally….” Doug continued rambling but TJ didn’t think he was capable of understanding a word of what he was saying head filled with static at the thought that he was going to be seeing Steve today, in a few short minutes and apparently do a interview with him.

“TJ..” he was bought back when Doug shook him looking at him with concern “You alright brother”

TJ blinked “Huh.. yeah , yeah I’m fine” Inside he was panicking. What the hell , he wasn’t prepared for this Dammit, what was he going to do, what was he going to say to Stevie, he hadn’t even come up with a decent enough plan to meet Steve and now this.

Bucky took a deep breadth, he was going to have to improvise is all,he couldn’t fuck this up, it was his chance to introduce himself back in Steve’s life, he had to make sure Steve gave him a chance to become his friend, he had to make a good first impression or Steve would go even farther from his reach and he couldn’t let that happen.

“ He’s here apparently, just outside, he’ll be here anytime now, wow I’m sweating I haven’t been this nervous to meet somebody since I was 12..” Dougie was saying, he had always been a big Captain America fan and it would have been amusing to see him this nervous, cause Dougie was not the one to fangirl over anyone no matter how famous they were and in his line of work Doug had met plenty of famous people if TJ wasn’t facing the same problem himself, Steve was here, any second now he was going to walk in from that door and TJ would have to face him, no he wasn’t panicking at all, there just wasn’t enough air in the room is all.

TJ could hear the chatter getting closer now, and his heart rate went up, damn he hadn’t felt this nervous in.. well ever. Not in both his lifetimes but this was an entirely different situation, what was he going to say to Steve, how did he act in front of him, should he approach him first or wait for Steve to come forward, was his hair proper would Steve like it long,would Steve….wait a minute what the hell was he even doing.

Bucky took a deep breadth trying to bring himself back under control and stop overthinking every minute detail, this was Steve we’re talking about and he was the last person to be so superficial to judge someone based on their appearance and its not like TJ was planning to ask Steve out or something anyway he was just aiming to somehow become his friend, that’s all he wanted for now.

The door to the waiting room finally swung open and TJ stared wide-eyed as a tall body came through, Steve was just as he remembered, just in a different clothing style.. but god he took TJ’s breadth away. He was immediately accosted by the attendent as she (Claire as TJ had learned she was called) was obviously starstruck and rambling about anything that came to mind and also looking very nervous. Steve was as usual very patient and polite to her as he listened and smiled at her trying to get her to calm down and making her feel at ease. He hadn’t noticed TJ and Dougie yet,which gave TJ just enough time to take him in.

Steve was dressed casual, wearing a white Tshirt dark jeans and a dark blue jacket and he looked fantastic. His sunshine blonde hair was shorter than the last time Bucky had seen him and a little disheveled like he had run his fingers through it, so different from his 40’s neat side part, but it suited him. Steve looked great, he looked just like any other modern youth and TJ wondered who had helped dress him or he wouldn’t really be surprised if it had been Steve himself, Stevie had always been a quick learner.

TJ had barely any time to prepare himself to face Steve and seeing him he was hit with how beautiful Steve was, seeing him after another lifetime literally was not something he could have prepared himself for no matter how much planning he could have done.

TJ stood there staring at Steve and stared some more as Steve finally turned from Claire to walk further into the room looking around noticing Douglas who was standing a little in front of TJ and smiling at him, but stopped dead in his tracks as his gaze fell on TJ and his eyes widened one foot raised as he his lips parted in shock, he looked like he was seeing a ghost and TJ didn’t blame him for Steve technically was seeing his dead bestfriend turned lover’s face after he had witnessed his death.

Steve’s eyes reflected a deep pain eyes a little wet as he continued staring at TJ’s face, and TJ’s heart went out to him as Steve took a shuddering breadth shaking his head a little as if trying to shake himself from a dream trying to get himself back under control. In that moment Bucky wanted nothing more than to just forget about everything else and wrap his arms around his Stevie and comfort him, tell him everything was going to be alright, that he would take care of him, but this wasn’t a fairy tale and as badly as TJ wanted that he couldn’t.

It took every bit of his self control to stand in his spot and keep his face neutral and not smother Steve with hugs, blankets, cuddles and just wrap him up and keep him safe, as Steve visibly reined himself in put on his fake USO tours smile back on.

TJ watched as Steve came forward towards him and Dougie still smiling that fake smile of his that had everyone convinced. It had always made Bucky’s stomach roll, left a sour taste in his mouth to see that on the face of his punk whose sunshine smiles lit up his entire world. 

Steve came to stand directly in front of them and TJ was still too dumbstruck to say anything but he didn’t have to as Steve looked directly at him and introduced himself extending his hand towards TJ,

“Hi, I’m Steve Rogers” looking at him all earnest and sincere with those impossibly blue eyes of his, as if he needed to introduce himself, as if entire America hadn’t grown up reading about him, as if he wasn’t a national hero, as if he was’t a literal superhero. But it was so cute, it was so Steve, that was all his little punk.

TJ wondered if it was possible to fall in love with the same person twice, cause he was completely done for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My longest chapter so far. Hope it meets up to your expectations, and if any of you have any suggestions or requests about what you would like to see further, you're very welcome to tell me, I always appreciate good ideas.

**Author's Note:**

> So that's it for now . Let me know if you have any suggestions regarding the story line. Thank you 😊.


End file.
